Reminiscences
by Ace Clandestine
Summary: Chapter THREE: The forlorn child beckons to me through the thick pane of glass with long, bony fingers and a strained, pleading smile. -C.C.xLelouch centric-
1. PROLOGUE: Barely Standing

**Disclaimer**- Code Geass characters © Sunrise. No suing, please.

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PROLOGUE: Barely Standing.

By: Äcĕ Ċ¦ånđesŧinє

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I am disgusting. I am despicable. I should know, for all my life the world around me had spat these crude insults on my face.

"_Devil_," they would condemn me so, sneering at me like the ruthless creatures they are under their grimy human skin. They are the true, bloodthirsty devils that are graciously rewarded with death. And much to my resentment, I would always live.

"It isn't fair," I whisper silently every night, staring at the black horizon spotted with gleaming stars.

_It isn't fair at all._

Many times, I have wondered what death would be like. Would I see the "_blinding gateway of light_" that Marianne had described to me in her afterlife, or would I face a grotesque pit of blood and hellfire to consume my miserable soul once and for all? Or if I was even more fortunate, perhaps I would be magically reincarnated as a toasty slice of pepperoni pizza (with _extra_ cheese, of course). Go on, laugh at my dreams if you dare. I'm patient enough to tolerate the likes of you.

However, I know remarkably well that I will never get to encounter any of these circumstances. Instead, I will have to undergo many more tormenting nightmares to come, destroying everything in their malicious path until all of the things and beings I have cherished reduce into ashes.

Then, I will always be standing there, alone while sobbing uncontrollably, to pick up the broken pieces and dispose of the leftover dust. (Feel like laughing now?)

Alas, I am quite tired of living. So much time has passed; I can no longer remember all of my past relatives, my friends, my lovers. I would repeatedly tell myself that it didn't matter, that I was immune to such petty emotions.

Ha. Foolish lies.

Yes, I can willingly admit it: I am foolish. Loneliness and isolation for centuries can do that to you. They ruthlessly rip you apart from the inside to unleash the detestable side of you, the part of you that craves for everything. I wished for solace, I desired perfection, I yearned to be loved. I willingly gave into these wantings, and blamed humanity for my turpitude.

So maybe the bastards were right. Maybe I _am_ disgusting and despicable, with very good reason. After all, I am awfully selfish; I corrupted several humans with the gift of _Geas_, haven't I? To give them the opportunity to suffer as I did, and give me the (temporary) pleasure of their company. I deem it a fair enough bargain.

"_I can give you the power of kings_," I would say in the most seductive manner as possible, "_if you can fulfill my part of the contract_." As gullible and greedy these mortals are, they would always accept the offer without hesitation. They are the actualization of my deepest sins, lain bare for the world to see.

Countless victims were sacrificed for my pleasure, but now I can only remember Mao, and...Lelouch. A few centuries later, I might have to forget them as well. Tears dry ever so easily.

I visited Mao's grave yesterday. It was strange to know that he was at peace without wearing his headphones.

"_In the end, you couldn't fulfill your part of the contract, could you_?" Glassy, scarlet eyes glared at me underneath those familiar sunglasses. Even now in Lelouch's bedroom, I could sense his gaze buried under the mounds of dirt.

"_Serves you right, dear Mao. In the end...you couldn't kill me_." The dissatisfaction still torments me.

I am heartless. I am bitter. I am a lunatic who has an overwhelming (yet unachievable) desire to die.

I am C.C., and I'm barely standing.

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**Author's Notes- **Arrrgggh, angsty C.C. is so difficult to write! °Slams head onto keyboard in frustration.° I hope I didn't kill anyone who was reading this, this..._ugh_. Other than that, I'm kinda new with this fan-fiction site (and writing fan-fiction in general XD) so updates might run a little slow. Nevertheless, reviews will be very appreciated. :3


	2. Chapter ONE: Posthumous Encounter

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**Disclaimer-**I do not own Code Geass. (Although if I did, that would be _**awesome**_.)

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Chapter ONE: Posthumous Encounter

By: Äcĕ Ċ¦ånđesŧinє

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Memories. The half of me wishes to remember everything, and the latter half wishes to repress them. I have made many memories, both trifling and historical, and all they do is plague the corners of my mind.

At last, I have come to a decision. I am determined to entirely spill out all of these reminiscences to you, in hopes that I will be able to forget most of them in return. I will have nothing to hide, nothing to hinder me and haunt me in my sleep.

Only then, I might be able to become absolutely happy.

Let's start with Mao. By my best guess, you don't know Mao for who he accurately is. No one does, no one but me. I take great pride in realizing this, for Mao is someone very precious, a character so beautiful and rare that I may never run into someone such as him ever again. It's almost too ironic how I ended up as the one that killed him.

I met him when he was only six. It was the time of immense famine and terror in his hometown, when the Britannians were at war to take the eastern lands of the Chinese Federation. I remember that his parents were long gone before I first found him. I remember Mao, frightened and lost amid the chaos in his tattered clothes. I remember the urge that I had felt to protect him. Our alliance was confirmed with the bond of the _Geas_, as you may be familiar with. For the following years after our contract our alliance turned into camaraderie, and camaraderie turned into devoted attachment. By the time he turned fourteen, his Geas became permanent...not that either of us were significantly concerned about it. We were together, we had someone to cling on to, and that was all that mattered.

Hmmph. To this day, my naïveté is still laughable.

We were eventually separated after our fateful encounter with the Britannian force. Mao was abandoned once more, I was captured to be put into experimentation, and then...I believe you are capable to figure out the rest for yourself.

In retrospect, I think I might have loved Mao. I say "loved", because it's silly to fall in love with something that is nothing more than a lifeless corpse.

Nevertheless, maybe I am still in love with Mao. If I do not, why would I still be thinking about him whenever I get the chance? Here I am in the darkened headquarters of the Black Knights, yet all that I can hear and feel and see is _him_. Of course, my eyes were closed at the moment, but it didn't prevent me from recognizing his presence.

"C.C..." His voice ringed in my ears as he wrapped his long arms around me, entrancing me into a state of rapture. I know that you probably hate him (with a strong passion like all the others, no doubt), but if you allowed him to embrace you, you would find that it is the most blissful situation to be in.

(With the exception of a luxurious haven decorated with Cheese-kun plushies and pizza themes, but that is beside the point.)

"We should leave now, you know." His breath was warm and tickling, lightly brushing against my shoulders and melting into my spine. By this time, my decency and common sense must have completely abandoned me, since I have no other way of explaining what happened next. My hands tugged his body closer, my feet positioned themselves at the tip of their toes, and we shared the most heartfelt kiss one can ever imagine. Tears of ecstasy trickled my face as I surrendered myself to Mao, Mao, Mao...

"C.C.!" All of a sudden, the magic broke. I quickly opened my eyes to see a wide-eyed, dumbstruck man none other than Lelouch. I could automatically feel my intestines swelling up and combusting inside me as I pulled back in revulsion.

(On the brighter side, at least he wasn't aroused by me, or anything. Then I would have to leave his house forever.)

"_Gomen_." Frankly, I wasn't sorry at all. "I thought you were someone else." Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could I have possibly mistook that conceited imbecile for someone like-

"It's Mao." Listening to his name made my blood freeze. The dark-haired boy smiled wryly, observing me with that cold, calculating expression in his gaze. "He is the man you wanted to kiss." Even with the lack of lights in the room, my florid complexion and the drying strings of tears must have been dreadfully apparent.

"Why does that matter to you?" I sharply retorted, resisting the impulse to slaughter the brat into bite-sized pieces. (By Gods, what would Marianne think of me?_)_ Scowling furiously, I turned away from him and quickly walked towards the exit. _Just a few more steps to go..._

"You know C.C., it would do you some good if you simply forgot about him." Everything inside of me instantly shattered.

"It would do you some good if you simply minded your own business, Lelouch." Saying this, I slammed the metal doors behind him.

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**Author's Notes-**OMG. 200 hits? Reviews? You guys rock, like, _seriously_. Maybe I have a chance in this fan-fiction thing after all...:D

Rpgingmaster- Damn, I forgot entirely about V.V. (I wish I can go back and fix the previous chapter, but I really have no_ freaking _clue how to do that...) But in one episode (I forget which), doesn't Charles call him "Oni-san"? I thought it would be pretty weird for a sibling cursing another with Geas, so I assumed that Charles gained his Geas after he captured C.C. But anyways, you're probably right. Until I learn how to edit chapter one, let's pretend that C.C. is talking about another Charles. As for beta-readers, I messaged a couple of people that were (supposedly) accepting beta requests a few days ago. So far, no response. Although...if you are willing, maybe _you _can beta for me? °Insert adorable puppy eyes here.° Thankies for reviewing, btw!

KiKi Hayashi- Wow. The fabulous person that wrote "Slices of CC" actually reviewed my story and LIKED IT?! °Dies of everlasting happiness.° (Oh wait, I can't die now. Chapter two isn't up yet! XD) I _love _your stuff, especially the latest one about CC at the beach. Hopefully this chapter is also to your liking: _slightly _less angst here. I'm trying to decide whether I should write CC all depressed-like as I am currently doing or not...cuz by the looks of the subsequent chapters saved onto my computer, this story is going to be a CCXLulu romance fic. But I won't spoil you with details. :3


	3. Chapter TWO: In the End

**Disclaimer**- I do not own Code Geass. D:

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Chapter TWO: In the End

By: Äcĕ Ċ¦ånđesŧinє

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In the end, we were never alike. Not that we ever had anything in common to begin with.

Lelouch and I, we were too different. He aspired to bring protection to the people he loved, while I aspired to be protected. He thirsted for power; I crumbled under the weight of mine. He was overly proud, and I couldn't bear to look at my shadow. Our common goals and earnest longings that swallowed up our hearts were worlds apart from being similar. He was Lelouch Vi Britannia, and I...was _zero_, amounting to a nonentity.

Even today, I am still nothing. And at times like this, such thoughts are fairly reassuring.

The taxi stopped at its destination. I hastily paid the driver what I owed him and got off, wanting to go to bed before Lelouch arrived. _Lelouch_, the irritating brat who stubbornly refused to leave my mind at peace with his words and his piercingly violet gaze. He was stuck in my head like a mantra.

"_It_ _would do you some good if you simply forgot about him_." No matter how many times I heard him echoing in my mind, I failed to hear any form of concern in his voice. Pity, maybe. Jealousy? How ludicrous. The sheer thought was maddening. Arriving at the bedroom, I groggily stripped off my black robes and changed into a baggy shirt to sleep in.

_His_ shirt, with _his_ scent on it. Absentmindedly, I tugged at the strangling collar, and thought how strangely uncomfortable this shirt now felt.

Yet it would have to suffice nonetheless, as it always did before. I thought to myself when Sayoko comes home with Nunally the next day from the Ashford middle school camping trip, I should ask her if I could borrow one of her night gowns. Duly noted, I sunk into the mattress.

So different, too different. _Why does he bother caring for me at all?_

With my head and messy stands of green hair buried over one of Lelouch's pillows, I thought of nothing but regret. I should have never killed Mao. I should have never shown a weaker side to Lelouch. I should have never wished to become immortal. I should stop doing things that I may later regret. Foolish, pointless, even idiotic. But it was too late for regrets now.

"You're late." It sounded like _Lelouch_, but how could that be? I didn't hear him enter the house; I didn't hear his footsteps in the hallway...

_Oh_. Damn him. (I knew I should have checked the closet for monsters.)

"I need to talk to you. Get up." I let out a groan and submerged the rest of myself under the sheets. I wanted to prove to him that he couldn't control me.

"I'm sleepy, Lelouch. Shut up and good night."

"We just embraced and kissed half an hour ago. You can't possibly be sleepy right now." _That arrogant bastard_. Without replying, I snuggled my way further into the warm, cushiony material.

"C.C." From his tone, I could tell that he was slowly becoming impatient. Not that it mattered to me. I told myself that I didn't care. What a fool I was.

"Witch, if you're going to ignore me, I will have to get in the bed with you." I doubted that he would do such a thing, until he pulled up the covers and-

Dear Lord.

"Oi, stop being vulgar! This is my bed!"

"No, it isn't." I could feel his breath once more, behind one of my shoulders. His body was awkwardly compressed against mine, seeing as this bed was originally meant for only _one_ person to sleep on. This physical proximity was...well, incredibly odd.

"Lelouch," I hissed, every word dripping with venom, "if you have any remaining value over your precious life, I suggest that you move your body away from mine this instant."

"So, you admit that I'm precious." His wryly remark made my insides boil. Or was it merely the remark? My wits were flying out my head as the rest of my patience was leaving my soul, my head ached in frustration. Wait; was that _his_ hand snaking up my stomach? I strained my head sideways in order to properly glower at his face.

"What are you up to now, boy?" Lecher would have been the more suitable term.

"Helping you forget." Hmmph.

"Then I will never forget."

"Hm. We'll see about that." So we did.

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An embrace doesn't mean anything, and neither does a kiss. As for love...love is inherently nonexistent. I refused to care. I was nothing.

In the end, hypocrisy marked my biggest downfall.

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**Author's Notes**- So many people to thank here. Big hugs and kisses to the people who contributed towards my 670! hit, and the users that put my story on their alert-lists (_you _know who you are). And guess what? Starting from now on, Rpgingmaster is my official beta-reader for Reminiscences. Horrah!

Now, for some reviews...

Rpgingmaster- Some stuff about the 2nd chapter: I actually wrote the rough draft of it during a three-hour-long boat ride to visit my grandparents (what can I say? Old people like islands...and isolation) for the summer. No need to get into details, but I was terribly seasick that day. I'm so relieved you found it somewhat decent, since I personally thought it to be a giant ball of c--p drenched in sea water. .

I'm not entirely sure of the relationship between C.C. and Marianne, either. But things in Wikipedia and CG fan-sites point out that C.C. has the ability to telepathically communicate with people (ex: V.V. and Marianne- shown in some episodes in season one. I don't know the exact ones...such a freaking long time ago). Using that idea, I thought that C.C. would continue to chat with Marianne every now and then, and...who knows? Their conversations could have led them into becoming friends. Ultimately, I'm choosing to leave the C.C./Marianne relationship in vague terms for the readers to solve the puzzle for themselves.

Ah, now let's talk about Mao. I don't know why I adore him so much (since he only showed up in, like, 2 episodes?), but in any case, I do. It must be my addiction for psychotic, angsty bishies in anime...XD. Before the Geas became permanent, I imagined Mao as a sweet, innocent, lovable kid (c'mon, Mao-haters! The poor kid is only six years old!). I blame his being a "emotional nutcase" on the fact that C.C. was the only being that he could talk to and live with as a normal human being, and after she "left" him (aka: got captured by Charles cuz he's a greedy bi--h), he didn't know what to do. Frankly, I bet Lelouch would have turned into a twisted lunatic, too, if he was in the same situation as Mao's (ack, Lelouch-lovers, please don't hate me!). Other than that, thanks for beta-reading this chapter!

KiKi Hayashi- Ugh, I know. (Is it only _me _that doesn't consider Mao as a foul, black-hearted demon? If that's true, you guys are probably going to hate me for the next CG fan-fiction I have in mind.) And whether you are fabulous or not (you _are_, btw), I'll be looking forwards to read the next Slices of CC chapter! :D

missysillivan- You...you LOVED it? I'm not sure if I deserve a compliment like that. But, thank you so much, anyways! :D


	4. Chapter THREE: Allusions

**Disclaimer-**I do not own Code Geass. However, I do own a box of microwavable cheese pizza. :p

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Chapter THREE: Allusions

By: Äcĕ Ċ¦ånđesŧinє

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_Rain is falling, and he's standing outside. Struggling to see me through the foggy window with burning crimson orbs, he narrows his eyes and claws his nails to the surface. His sunglasses and headphones are long gone, but that doesn't matter to him anymore, does it? He is infuriated, he is frenetic, he is shivering. The forlorn child beckons to me through the thick pane of glass with long, bony fingers and a strained, pleading smile._

'_I miss you, C.C. I love you, C.C. Please let me in, C.C_.'

_Mao, you know you can't last out there forever. You might catch a cold, you might..._

"...Cold."

"What did you say, C.C.?" The next thing I knew, we were sprawled across the floor with our limbs entwined. I couldn't tell them apart, but it didn't matter. I hesitantly glanced at the window on the opposite side of the room. It was raining. Maybe that didn't really matter, either. I promptly averted my gaze and decided to look at Lelouch instead.

Lazy, amethyst eyes inspected the scene before them, while a half-asleep hand wearily massaged _his_ temples. Was that hand mine? I couldn't feel anything...my nerves must have died while I slept. Perhaps my mouth was awake.

"I told you that the bed could only fit one person." The same bed that was now happily towering over our heads.

"It was worth testing it out." No, it clearly was _not_. Though, there wasn't any point trying to argue with Lelouch. (Things like that only encouraged him.)

"Well, let us look." We then got up, scooted ourselves over to the far corner of the room, and stared at our messy creation with a better view. Violet and gold stared in disbelief at the sheets and pillows haphazardly kicked off the mattress and the white feathers that were scattered everywhere. Poor Sayoko-san would have collapsed from a heart attack. I had to quickly say something before he could plan anything to my disadvantage.

"C.C., I-"

"You're cleaning up this disaster. I have to take a shower." The irritated Lelouch wordlessly glared in return. "It was all your idea, anyways."

"You, you...are _very_ ungrateful." I could only smile in triumph as I entered the next-door bathroom.

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Triumph never lasts very long. Not like raindrops.

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_It is pouring rain in the bathtub, and Mao is still watching me through the mirror. He is tired at this point, with his anger subsiding into sorrow. __Fear shudders up my spine as he watches intently with his Geas, at me, my shadow, my exposed sins and crimes. So he knows what had happened._

'_You are dirty, C.C.,' he declares in pure spite. 'All the rain in the world cannot clean you now. Do you really believe that Lelouch can fulfill your contract? Ha ha ha, he can't, he can't! I wish I could, but now I am dead. I could have given you everything, C.C. I...I could have_ been_ your everything, C.C.'_

_He shivers once more, yet he is still standing. He paws at the glass like a miserable, lost puppy searching for its owner. My precious Mao, my guiltless Mao, can't you see that I have already abandoned you?_

'_Forget about Lelouch, C.C.,' he wails resentfully. 'Leave him, you do not need him.' Don't cry, Mao. You know how unbearable it is for me to watch you cry..._

'_Come to me, C.C.' he begs, the rain seeping out of his eyes. 'Forget about Lelouch; he is nothing to us. You're right; I can't stand here forever...' Mao, stop! Mao, come back!_

'_I can't...C.C.' He vanishes without a trace, leaving me in _absolute horror.

"NO!" I splashed out of the bath in a panic and pounded my fists on the mirror. The rain, shower...I forgot to turn it off, because I can hear the rain dripping, dripping, dripping. Water was everywhere, everything...dripping, dripping wet. _He is gone, Mao is...why did he leave?_ I could hear faint wisps of Lelouch's voice outside the bathroom, fidgeting with the lock so he could get in. Do I _want_ him to come in; do I believe that he could save me? No, no, that wasn't it at all, ah, wait! Mao, I could hear him!

'_Try to find me, C.C. Otherwise, I might have to leave you forever..._'

"Wait! I'm _here_, don't leave!" Tightly clenched hands hysterically hammered against the looking glass as the rain tried to drown out my face. Was it tears? No, no, why was I even thinking about that? I have to help Mao, for I could hear his poignant voice in the back of my head. He was there, no, he was _here_, just underneath that pulseless glass. He was dripping, _drowning_ in that mirror of water. He, Mao, _my_ Mao, he was calling my name...he was going to catch a cold!

"C.C.!" The door to my right burst open and a violent-eyed man rushed in. His slender hands restrained mine, squeezing them with shaky grasps. "What the devil is wrong with you?"

'_Escape his clutch, C.C.! You still have a chance!' Mao shouts in excitement. 'Hurt him, kill him; manipulate his soul with the Geas!' _

"I-I have to..." Why isn't he letting go of my hands? "...save him. I don't have time for you! Let go of my hands, I have to-"

"_You_ are not in the right mind to save anyone, C.C.! You have to turn off the bath water if you are done using it! And for God's sake, stop your crying! What if the neighbors heard you? Look, your hands, they are bleeding! Why were you hitting the mirror, C.C.?"_ Mao, was he still there? Where was he?_

"Let go..." My voice suddenly sounded weaker, as my vision spiraled out of focus. I could no longer read Lelouch's expressions and his murky, violet eyes. He shook me violently, maybe as an attempt to get some sense into (or out of) me?

_Dizzy, water, cold..._

If only I could die here, right now.

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"C.C., were you thinking about him again?" Mao is still after me. He is outside the window; he is standing inside the mirror; he is impatient in his grave. So why, why was I resting on Lelouch's bed?

"I won't let him hurt you anymore."

_If I continue to use the Geas, would I become just like him?_

"Mao is dead, C.C. You shot him."

_I can't understand why someone would bother chasing after you._

"I wish to protect you, C.C."

_It_ _would do you some good if you simply forgot about him. _And the world became serenely silent.

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**Author's Notes**- I decided to revise this a little while I was reading through the first few chapters of Remi here (to jog my memories a bit, ya know?). Sorry chappie four is taking too long to update...but it's well on its way! Thanks for being so patient. :D

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Ah, many, _many_ allusions of all sorts can be found in this chapter (hence the weird title). The "rain", the "mirror", the messy bed (LOLOLOLOLOLOL)...but you guys can figure them out by your own.

missysillivan- Yes, exactly! I still don't know what was going on in C.C.'s mind when she shot him. (TT.TT) Thankies for the review; I hope you liked this chapter.

pink-writer- **Psychotic, angsty bishies FTW. **Oh, I think what you had mentioned was a typo (I fixed it right after I read your review). Thanks for pointing that out, and thanks for reviewing as well!

Zero'N'oveR- Kewl, 'cuz realistic was what I was going for. Thank you for reviewing!

Xeaphon- Yes, Mao is very special, and I enjoyed writing more about Mao in this chapter. (DAMN YOU CC FOR KILLING HIM!) Thanks for the review. :3

GenMcvile- Thanks for reviewing. :)


	5. Chapter four preview

**Author's Notes-**

Okay, so I didn't get to update the 4th chapter of Remi before August. Hopefully, you guys will be less mad at me if I show a little preview of what's coming next? I'm not sure if I'll be able to finish this entire chapter by this week (please don't hurt me!), so...yeah.

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(PREVIEW OF) Chapter FOUR: Something to Hide

By: Äcĕ Ċ¦ånđesŧinє

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Have I sinned once again? _The question haunts me still, so deadly still. I know I shouldn't have felt so safe, so naively relieved when he promised to protect me. I knew that Lelouch's granting of this vow was highly unlikely, knew that these words were so revoltingly common in the mouths of my victims. I was fully aware, at the time, how this moment of bliss would haunt me forever later, when I least expect it, when I take the risk to unfold my wings and attempt to crave, feel, and love all over again._ _In the end, I would see Lelouch falling into pieces like the others before him, and the sinful happiness_...would burn like poison.

_Yet I didn't want to think! For that moment, it was only us, together, without anything in the world that could rip us apart. After all, I was safe in his arms then, wasn't I? I would kiss him with ecstatic fervor, and he would kiss me back, just as fullheartedly, wouldn't he? This moment, it was genuine, divine!_

...But how long will you protect me, Lelouch?

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Short previews and cliffhangers ftl. Life goes on. (Forgive me, plz. :3)

**-Ace.**


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